Again new year has started. The first day of a year is the day of new hope, new ideas, plans. The last day of a year is in contrary the day for contemplation, forgiving, going through the good and bad things and deeds. Most importantly it is the day to end any loose lines and planning  how to do things better, how to be a better person, how to be happier and how to do good in this world.

This new year brings many changes. Last autumn I received by post a notification of divorce process that my husband had started. The divorce takes effect next March. At first that was quite a shock but now it has started to seem a good thing.
Since my husband moved out, I've had peace and quiet at home. Finally I have been able to think through about our marriage and how badly my husband has behaved. I have now seen clearly how disgusting mental and physical abuse he did to me. He abused me, he was very selfish and self-centered. He oppressed me, he put me under his order, threathened me, accused me, he always put the blame on me. If I didn't do as he wanted, he punished me withdrawing from touch and being with me, he acted as if I didn't exist, he separated me from my friends and constantly told lies about me and claimed to others that I treated him badly.
For couple of years ago I noticed that the traits that were associated with narcissistic behavior, matched with what kind of man my husband is. He acts like those persons do. For example he freaked out if I had a different opinion of something than he had. He couldn't stand if I said something that could be understood as criticism or that he had hurt me, or that he wasn't a good person or he had done something wrong. Everything that gave a bad picture about himself was forbidden and he really got furious and accused me of every possible wrongdoing and misbehavior, he always turned it to me. He himself thought that he was a saint, did everything right, treated others well, was lovable, was the perfect friend, perfect husband and perfect human being.

Now when I seldom think about him - mainly when planning what claims I will make concerning our property - I think that how on earth have I lived with him. I'm appalled.  I forgive myself because I was so under his power, without selfesteem, without value that I didn't see things as they were. I also hoped too much. I hoped that some day he would see his errors and change and become a better man. But my lawyer said that I should wait for him to start the divorce and I should only prolong the marriage to have better position in the divorce process and not to be trampled on by him and I shouldn't be afraid of him.  During last year I wasn't afraid that he would go. He even tried to force me into giving up my right to mutual property. He tried to trick from me my rights and he was threathening me that he would leave me if I didn't sign the papers. Well, I didn't sign. So all along I knew that some day he would take divorce.  But I didn't give in and for that I am proud of myself.

Now I am happy. I feel free. I feel like I would be in love. But actually I AM in love with life and with myself. I appreciate myself and value myself  because I did stand my ex's treatment and hold my head high. Even though I was very afraid at times I still didn't give in to him.

I have a tremendous drive to do creative things. I want to compose music, to make songs, to sing, to play mandolin, violin, guitar, irish drum etc. I want to draw and to paint.  And also I want to write.
It has been a long time since I wrote something but I have been planning to write about my life and about my journey so far. My life has been quite interesting with full of bends in the trail.  Surprises, disappointments, success, good things, love, intrigue, travel, and later sickness, collapse, burn out, and again near miracles. A lot to write about.

When I think of it - I am happy with my life. I am happy now.
It might seem very odd how someone could be happy when suffering of tremendous pain, not able to walk, not able to go out and meet people, not even able to go out to yard to get fresh air, no sex and not able to even play instruments properly. But I focus on the good things. A year ago I wasn't able to eat myself. I couldn't hold the fork or spoon. Today I can eat myself. Today I can write with computer and use computer. Today I manage on my own in toilet. I even tried a ride in a car.

I have much to be thankful about. My parents both of them live, I have friends, I have a brother, I can live at home. I have enough money so that I can live quite comfortably.
I have started to really love my body and I appreciate it very much. It is quite a wonder. Even after two years of total rest in bed I had muscles left. Of course the muscles are weak but they recover very fast.  I have a creative mind, I am strong even though I am very sensitive. I can feel, imagine, touch.  I really have a lot to be thankful about.

I am happy. I am hopeful. I am positive that this new year will make true my dreams and hopes. I really believe that miracles can happen.  I believe.