Voi että on ihanaa käydä ulkona kävelyllä alkuyön hiljaisina tunteina. Jotenkin vain ajauduin ulos, vaikka olin jo oikeastaan mennyt nukkumaan. En saanut rauhoituttua ja nousin ylös ja lopulta löysin itseni kävelemästä ulkona. Siellä on ihanan kaunista. Lumi peittää maan, pensaat ja puut. Lumi on kauniin valkoista, kuin syliinsä sulkevaa pumpulia. Kävelin melko rivakasti ja tottumaton sydämeni rupesi pomppimaan ja jalkoja sekä nilkkoja kivistämään. Siltikin, olipas ihanaa käydä kävelyllä.

Eilen tosin tein minun voimilleni melko ison lenkin. Olinkin aivan uuvuksissa. Kaikki pieni lihaskipu ja väsymys on hyvä merkki, sillä kuitenkin tuntuu siltä, että kehoni voimistuu ja se tuntuu ihanalta!

Lately, I've been sleeping poorly. Due to that I've been very tired during the day and unable to do what I would have liked to do.
Jyrki, my ex-husband, came on Sunday to fetch his remaining stuff from my home. But like always he left something behind. It's as if he would want to come again and again even though he made it pretty clear that he hates being here and seeing me.
During the whole time he was here he was very angry. When I asked him why he's so angry all the time he responded that coming here wasn't very easy. He said it so that he wanted me to know that seeing me makes him angry.
His brother Lauri came to help him carry the stuff to their van. He was behaving nicely, talking with me and telling how his family were and how they anticipated the trip to Japan. He's quite shy and so he was also this time a bit on his toes and wary of not making his brother angry. I sensed that all the time he was probing his brother and seeking signs that whether or not he should stop speaking with me and when he crossed the line. It was very obvious that Jyrki would have liked Lauri to keep quiet and not socialize with me. Jyrki would have wanted Lauri to act coldly with me.

I didn't like Jyrki's behaviour and I was a bit angry with him. It was so strange he being angry because it was him that took the divorce, him that treated me badly, it was him that was abusing me both physically and mentally - so it should have been me being angry and not him. Again he was being very self centered and selfish thinking only about himself. He truly is an egoist.
I'm wondering about their family, because Jyrki is the one controlling others - and the others do as he says - especially his oldest brother Lauri. His other brother Jussi is more on his own and not caring obeying Jyrki all the time. There are some things that Lauri can decide but those areas are clearly given him by Jyrki. It's really no wonder why Jyrki tried to control me and push me around and got very angry if I didn't do as he said.
Though I'm annoyed that again I must build a new relationship with somebody and start all over again - I still feel that this maybe was better solution than to continue. 
Jyrki has revealed himself to be selfish, self centered, bending the truth and lying, abusive, opressive, greedy with money, evil, sadistic, secretive, withdrawing, running away from problems instead of trying to solve them, so I have started to feel that I have made a lucky escape from a lifetime of trouble.

Jyrki's love towards women is not very strong. Himself and money comes first, then his reputation, then his free time, then his brothers, then his stuff he owns and perhaps then comes his spouse.
He was disappointed with me. I fell off from the high dais he had put me on. He thinks there only exists black and white. He doesn't know about forgiveness, neither does he know how to compromise, to share, to give, to truly love somebody.
I should have known by the way he dumped Sari - his ex-wife. But with me he has been far worse than with Sari. Much worse.
I have been really wondering why he's so nasty with me - but I have not found a solution.

I have thought a lot why Jyrki has been treating me so badly, why he hates me so much, why he's so nasty and abusive - and most of all, why he behaves as a lunatic without any reason or sense, and  why does he treat me so badly claiming that I have treated him badly. He has claimed that he's only responding to bad treatment and defending himself from me. I have not found a reason why he behaves as if he has lost his mind and reason. No sound person would do as he has done.

But now I got an idea.

He loved me very much and thought me to be above others. He thought me to be beyond reproach. He believed when I said I had a message from spiritworld or when I saw some dreams or visions. He believed my larger picture of every situation and was willing to correct his behaviour accordingly. But his view of me  was too high rated - like a dream and it was bound to be broken.
He had a skewed vision about love and we had to face very difficult problems - far worse than what he had with his previous wife Sari. I think those together caused this problem. That's why he's so terrible towards me. He's disappointed with me and that has hurt him very badly. He has turned that disappointment to anger towards me because he thinks and feels that I would have hurt him deliberately.
He doesn't understand that it was not deliberately done. I didn't plan on deceiving him or disappointing him. 

Jyrki doesn't understand that his feelings and interpretation of the situation are not the truth. The fact that I wasn't what he had thought me to be is unfortunate. But I can do nothing to it. I started to have needs, I wasn't totally independent, I had fears, I needed support, I needed help and suddenly he was tied to me. That was a disappointment to him. But in his mind he turned that so, that I deliberately lied to him. He turned that to be an active mistreatment.
Same happened with my health. When I needed more help and couldn't do as much as before, it was really difficult for him to watch his loved one to suffer. But again he turned that in his mind so that I ordered him around that I suppressed him and used him.

Everything he felt, everything bad that he had to confront and go through, he turned as an active act of malice towards him.

That's the secret line of thought that he has. With that thought in mind I can now understand why he hates me so much and why he accuses me so much about everything.
Why he thinks  like that, I don't know. May be it has something to do with his childhood, adolescence or previous relationships. I don't know.
I only know that, that I the only reasonable explanation to his behaviour and why he accuses me so fervently.
I don't know how bad that "the world and especially my spouse and closest people are against me"- thinking has gone but it seems that it's pretty bad. He has drowned into his own malice and his own evil thinking and his fears.

I think that he even thinks that our whole relationship was planned by me only that I would have benefited from him. He has accused me of being with him only because of his money. He has accused me like some ex-friends did that I only needed someone to take care of me and to provide me with everything and that I was after his money. He even accused me like Sari that I had enchanted him so that he lost his reason and I put a spell on him that he would fall for me. He accused me that I only wanted him to take care of me and I wanted to benefit from his money. He accused me that I didn't love him, that I only took him because of his money.
He doesn't even realize that he made it very clear that I didn't have any enjoyments from his money. He made sure that I didn't receive any part of his money that he himself was the only one that enjoyed his money. He didn't help me when I didn't have any money. He didn't buy kitchen appliences, nor did he pay our trips to abroad. He even was angry when due to a mishap in car rental company they didn't charge my credit card and I didn't have to pay the part we had agreed that I would pay. He was so clear that I should pay my part and he his, but when I got lucky he started to demand a part of it to himself. He didn't want to share the money but he wanted to share the benefit that I had. So greedy.
Jyrki did all he could in order to keep me from benefiting from his money. He even said that he was disgusted that I had the benefit of living in a more spacious home that I would have lived in without him!
I just ask that would any normal husband think as badly as Jyrki did? That his wife didn't deserve to live in their home because it was partly paid by him? That's sick thinking.

Jyrki is blind to his own insane behaviour and his insane thinking. I wonder how he can be so blind?

For once I want to write to him and tell what I really think of him and his behaviour and about our relationship and the situation now. For once I want to say exactly what I think and not soften it like I have always done so that he wouldn't get upset or angry. All previous messages I have transformed into neutral tone so that there wouldn't be anything blaming him so that he wouldn't become angry. But now I want to say to him what I really think of him. Now I don't have to be afraid about him getting angry or raging about. His rage is belonging to the past and it doesn't touch me anymore. I feel that now is my time to say the truth to him and not making pretty but to say as things are. Only that way there is even a slight chance that he would think about what I have written and maybe he would start thinking his behaviour and thinking processes anew. That is the only way even to try to change his thinking about matters, about me, about life in general, about relationships and how he behaves in various situations and with various people.
Jyrki really thinks that he has been just and only reacted to my treating him badly. He doesn't see the truth. He thinks that I have mistreated him and done wrong. He can't stand any criticism towards himself nor any problems. If he started to talk to me about what he was thinking and feeling he was in fact scolding me about bad behaviour and he was accusing me of everything. He didn't tell what he was feeling nor what he was thinking it turned very quickly to accusing me and calling me names. And that he thought was telling about his feelings and thoughts. It was nothing but accusing me, calling me names.
After couple of words he started to shout and released his rage towards me and getting angry about the things he said and about what he was trying to tell about my behaviour. If I started to comment on his yelling or what he said, or if I only said that something wasn't true, he got even angrier and started to shout that again I was interrupting him and that he never had the chance of telling what he was thinking or feeling because I always interrupted his speech. And he also accused me of not appreciating him or not valueing his thoughts and that it was always about me and that I always turned the subject to myself. He also said that I shouted so much that he never could say what he wanted. He didn't realize himself that he kept long monologues that could last half an hour and it was my way of participating when I included small comments during his speech. For it was not a discussion but a speech, a monologue and it's contents always accusing me and calling me names, degrading my self confidence and my value as a human being.
When I then tried to coax him to continue his telling, he refused,  and he then acted as if that was a punishment to me for not listening to him and interrupting him. As if it was my privilege to listen to him shouting at me accusing me of everything and blaming me and calling me names. I think that reflects of how self centered he is. How can anyone think that it would be pleasant to listen to someone shouting, blaming, calling names!

I really think that Jyrki doesn't understand how self centered and selfish he is. He must think it normal.
It really strikes me that he thinks that every clever person would think like he does, come to same conclusions, value same things in life and prioritize like him and act like him, feel like him. He is like a child who can't make a difference between himself and others. He's like a child who thinks that everyone knows what he knows and thinks like he and feels like him. He really doesn't allow any differences in opinion, in priorities, in choices or in selecting what to do. He mother always asks him what to do and how to act and what to feel and then goes with it. She obeys him in everything and acts as if he knew everything and was always right. His mother would ask what he would do and the she does likewise. She doesn't have an opinion. Except about the length of her visits and where to sleep.

I think that my mother was right in one thing concerning Jyrki. She said that Jyrki couldn't stand it that me being sick put him on a second place when thinking what we could do. My disease was always the factor that stipulated what we could do and when. That ripped him being in the center of everything, in the center of attention. He would have wanted to be the one getting all the attention, to be the one according whose wishes everything was done. But with my disease he came second and he couldn't stipulate what we should do and when. I think he just couldn't stand it that he wasn't the number one in our family. I think he hated it that I was in the center of attention when people where asking about my health and when we were planning to do something it was always I who had the last say. I think he would have wanted to be in the center of attention.
And of course he thougth it so that I did it deliberately. I think he twisted it in his mind so that he thought that I acted as if something was done because of my disease but actually it was just my way to make everybody do as I wanted.

His twisted mind and twisted thinking makes everything an active act of malice towards him. As if everybody and especially me wanted to hurt him, to use him, to suppress him, to order him about etc.. As if his spouse would want him to suffer.

I wonder what kind of example his parents were? But as I think back I remember that especially his father wanted to hurt his mother by mocking her and trying to do it so that she wouldn't notice that it was mockery. That is hurting spouse. And her mother would act as if nothing was wrong and as if she was not hurt. She on the other hand made kids her revenge and made small deeds that annoyed her spouse, Jyrki's father. She also pretended to be stupid and not to remember many things. And Jyrki's father would mock her about her faked innocence. She was faking a lot. So that must be the root about Jyrki believing that all women fake things and lie. And his father has given him the example that women must be mocked and suppressed.

I'm so sorry that during our first couple years together, Jyrki didn't see his family heritage and the destructive patterns that stipulate his behaviour. He doesn't see the connection between his behaviour and the patterns of his family behaviour and the role that each one played in his family. If he had opened his eyes to his behaviour and not wanting to be so blind, he could be very changed person right now and there perhaps wouldn't be any reason for divorce.  But he hasn't wanted to see the truth about himself nor does he want to see the truth about his family. Though to his defence I must say that when he was in Kuopio last summer visiting his mother, he saw some of the behaviournal patterns that were present. And somehow he saw something of it in himself. But that observation escaped from him mainly because he didn't want to see anything bad in himself. He thinks that he's all good and that he does only good. Oh boy, how wrong he is, and how I hope that his eyes would one day open to the truth!

Olen nukkunut viime aikoina tosi huonosti. Siksi olen ollut päivisin väsynyt enkä ole jaksanut tehdä oikein mitään.
Jyrki kävi hakemassa sunnuntaina melkein kaikki loput tavaransa. Tosin vieläkin hän jätti jotain tänne. Tuntuu, että hän ei halua ottaa niitä kerralla, vaan pitkittää tuota, jotta joutuisimme tapaamaan. Kuitenkin hän oli koko ajan hyvin selvästi tosi kiukkuinen.
Kysyin Jyrkiltä, miksi hän on koko ajan niin vihainen ja hetken hiljaisuuden jälleen hän sanoi, että tänne tulo ei ole mitenkään helppoa. Eli hän antoi ymmärtää, että jo minun näkemiseni suututtaa häntä.
Lauri tuli vähän ajan päästä auttamaan tavaroiden kantamisessa. Lauri käyttäytyi hyvin ja oli mukava. Siis hänelle ominaisella ujolla tavalla. Lauri jutteli kanssani, mutta hän oli hieman varpaisillaan, sillä Jyrki antoi käytöksellään ymmärtää, ettei hän halunnut Laurin puhuvan kanssani. Selvästi Jyrki halusi, että Laurikin olisi ollut minulle ikävä.

Minua harmitti ja ihmettelin Jyrkin käytöstä, sillä hänhän se tässä otti eron ja hän on aiheuttanut tämän kaiken, kohdellut minua huonosti ja ollut ilkeä. Hän oli se, joka halusi eroa ja halusi muuttaa pois mahdollisimman nopeasti. Jos jollain on syytä olla vihainen, se olen minä eikä hän. Taaskin hän on täysin itsekeskeinen ja ajattelee vain itseään. Hän on todella egoisti. Vaikka minua harmittaa se, että joudun etsimään itselleni uuden miehen ja rakentamaan jälleen suhteen alusta, minusta on silti alkanut tuntua, että tämä oli parempi ratkaisu. Jyrki on osoittautunut niin itsekkääksi, itsekeskeiseksi, totuutta vääristeleväksi, alistavaksi, rahanahneeksi, julmaksi, sadistiseksi ja ongelmia pakoilevaksi sekä asioita salaavaksi ja vetäytyväksi, joten toisaalta tunnen, että olen päässyt irti loppuelämän kurjuudesta. Jos ei nyt, niin sitten seuraavan vastoinkäymisen takia olisi tullut vaikeuksia.

Jyrkin rakkaus naista kohtaan ei ole kovin vahva. Hän pettyi minuun ja putosin jalustalta. Hänelle on olemassa vain musta ja valkoinen. Hän ei tunne anteeksiantoa, kompromissia, jakamista, todellista antamista, todellista rakkautta.
Olisi pitänyt tietää jo siitä, miten hän jätti Sarin. Toisaalta hän on ollut paljon pahempi.

Olen miettinyt paljon, miksi Jyrki on ollut minulle niin inhottava, enkä ole löytänyt syytä. En ole tiennyt mihin hän viittaa, kun hän sanoo minun kohdelleen häntä niin huonosti.

Nyt taisin saada ajatuksen.

Hän rakasti minua, piti minua jalustalla. Hän uskoi näkyihini ja mitä sanoin. Tuo oli niin unikuva, ettei se voinut pysyä kunnossa pitkään. Tuo vääristynyt rakkauskäsitys ja kohdatut vaikeudet, jotka ovat olleet paljon pahemmat kuin hänellä oli Sarin kanssa, ne aiheuttivat yhdessä suurimman ongelman. Siksi kai hän on nyt kanssani ollut kuin itse piru. Hän on pettynyt ja se on loukannut häntä ja tuon hän on kääntänyt vihaksi, sillä hän kokee tuon pettymyksen kuin itseään kohtaan tehdyksi ilkeydeksi.
Jyrki ei ymmärrä, että hänen tunteensa on eri asia kuin totuus. Se, että en ollutkaan juuri sellainen kuin hän uskoi, aloin vaatimaan jotain, enkä ollut täysin riippumaton, oli pettymys hänelle, mutta hän käänsi tuon niin, että minä olisin tahallaan johdattanut häntä harhaan. Sama terveyteni kanssa. Kun kuntoni huononi ja tarvitsin apua ja se oli hänelle tosi vaikeaa, hän käänsi sen niin, että ikään kuin minä olisin vain käskenyt hänen tehdä eli hän käänsi tuon alistamiseksi, käskemiseksi jne..
Eli kaiken mitä hän tunsi, kaiken ikävän, mitä hän joutui kokemaan, hän käänsi aktiiviseksi pahuudeksi häntä kohtaan.
Miksi hän noin ajattelee, sitä en tiedä. Tuo on ainoa järkevä selitys siihen, miksi hän syyttää minua. En tiedä kuinka pahaksi tuo 'maailma ja etenkin puoliso eli läheiset ihmiset ovat minua vastaan'-ajattelu on mennyt, mutta ilmeisesti aika pahaksi.
Ilmeisesti Jyrki ajattelee jopa niin, että koko suhteemme oli minun juonittelun tulos. Syyttihän hän minua lopulta samoin kuin jotkut turkulaiset ja Sarikin eli että olisin lumonnut hänet vain koska halusin itselleni varakkaan hoitajan ja itsestäni huolehtijan. On aivan käsittämätöntä, että hän syytti minua siitä, että en rakastaisi häntä ja että olisin aloittanut suhteen hänen kanssaan vain rahasta. Eihän hän antanut minun hyötyä rahoistaan kuin hyvin harvoin. Hän piti huolen, etten pääsisi hyötymään hänestä.

Jyrki ei itse lainkaan näe, kuinka järjettömästi hän käyttäytyy ja kuinka järjettömiä hänen ajatuksensa ovat. Ihmettelen, että hän voi olla noin sokea.
Haluan kirjoittaa hänelle ja kerrankin sanoa mitä hänestä ja suhteestamme ja nykytilasta oikein ajattelen. Haluan kerrankin sanoa kaiken sen mitä ajattelen ilman että kaunistelen sitä kuten kaikki edelliset viestit. Kaikki edelliset hänelle lähetetyt ovat olleet niin neutraaliksi tehtyjä, etten vain suututtaisi häntä. Haluan kerrankin sanoa kaiken kuten ajattelen. Nyt minun ei enää tarvitse pelätä sitä, että hän suuttuu. Koen että nyt minun pitääkin sanoa kaikki totuus ja kaunistelematta. Vain siten voin toivoa, että hän edes vähän rupeaisi ajattelemaan sitä, miten ajattelee asioista, minusta, ihmisistä, maailmasta ja etenkin miten hän käyttäytyy. Hän kokee olleensa vain oikeudenmukainen ja reagoineensa asianmukaisesti. Hän ei näe sitä, mikä on totuus. hänestä minä olen tehnyt pahaa, kohdellut häntä huonosti. Hän ei kestänyt mitään ikävää, ei mitään vastoinkäymisiä. Jos hän alkoi ns. puhua minulle mitä ajatteli, se oli aivan heti vain minun haukkumista. Hän ei oikeasti kertonut mitä ajattelee ja mitä tuntee, vaan hän alkoi haukkua minua ja kuvasi tuota omien tunteidensa kuvaukseksi. Parin sanan jälkeen hän alkoi huutaa suuttuneena siitä, mistä kertoi ja mitä sanoi. Kun sitten erehdyin kommentoimaan jotain tai sanoin vaikka vain, ettei jokin pitänyt paikkaansa, hän raivostui ja alkoi karjua, että taas minä keskeytän hänet ja ettei hän saa koskaan sanoa mitään ja että minä en arvosta häntä ja aina vain kyse on minusta. Sitten, vaikka kuinka pyysin häntä jatkamaan, hän kieltäytyi ja käyttäytyi ikään kuin se olisi minulle rangaistus keskeyttämisestä. Aivan kuin olisi ollut minun etuoikeuteni kuunnella sitä, kun hän haukkuu ja syyttää minua! Tuokin kuvastaa mielestäni sitä, kuinka itsekeskeinen hän on.
Minusta tuntuu, että jyrki ei tosiaan ymmärrä, kuinka itsekeskeinen ja itsekäs hän on. Hänestä sellainen on ihan normaalia.

Minusta tuntuu, että äitini on siinä oikeassa Jyrkin suhteen, kun hän sanoi, ettei Jyrki kanssani kestänyt sitä, että sairauteni laittoi asiat niin, että minun mukaani tehtiin asiat. Tuo riisti Jyrkiltä kaiken keskipisteessä olemisen ja sen, että kaikki tehtäisiin hänen ehdoillaan. Hän ei kestänyt sitä, että minä sain niin paljon huomiota eikä hän.

I have been feeling sad for couple of days. I've been in pain, physical pain I mean. Almost every time when the pain is worse I have a fear that I won't be healthy again. But I convince myself that even though there are some steps back I still go forward. I cannot expect the healing to be linear. I look at everything I have made true, how I have come better and then my faith returns. I need that faith in order to heal. I never loose my faith totally. I still believe that some day I will be a healthy person living an active life and fullfilling my dreams.

My divorce hurts every now and then. There are days when I feel sad and abandoned but mostly I have accustomed to being alone.
A few days ago I met my ex-husband and I was surprised that I didn't feel almost anything towards him. I didn't feel attracted to him, I didn't feel lust, I didn't feel anger, I didn't feel sadness. I was surprised that I only reacted when he hurt me with his behavior of accusing me and making nasty joke.  I asked his help in preparing some foodstuff, a thing in which the other persons present couldn't help me and he did help but commented that he'd been a minute in the house and already he was forced to work at kitchen.  None of my friends would have said that. None laughed, none commented. He was mean.
I was surprised that my ex doesn't notice how badly he treats me and how bad things he says and what he does to me.

Mostly I was surprised that I didn't feel any love anymore.  I cannot even be sure if I loved him in any way during these last two years when he treated me disgustingly bad.  The love has definitely died because I don't feel anything positive when thinking about him. I think it had died a long ago but that I tried to convince me about it's existence when trying to do my best about saving my marriage. I felt that I had to try my best to save the marriage and if I had admitted that I no longer loved him, that would have been a reason to leave and thence my fault. I guess I lied to him when trying to sort things out. If I had said that I didn't love him anymore that would have made me guilty and there wouldn't have been any chance of sorting things out.  But like I said to him that he had done so much bad and hurtful things to me that I didn't know if I could forgive him and continue even if he had wanted to. I knew that if he had changed and repented his deeds I could have rekindled the love towards him. I hid the loss of love  because I thought there would still be hope about him changing.

During these two months that we have been living separately I already almost feel as if I never was married to him. The memories are fading. The good memories are from so long ago that I barely can remember how I felt then when everything was ok.  The last three years have been a struggle, my ex degrading my self worth, threathening me with various things and deeds, accusing me of almost everything, violating my boundaries, abusing me mentally and physically. Suppressing me under his will and making me do what he wanted.  The more I look back to that the easier it is to let go. 

Anyway, I was more attracted to the idea of what could be, than what actually was.  I always hoped that he would wake up and see how badly he treated me and that he would be sorry and would change his demeanor and treat me better.  But of course that never happened. Even today he obviously still hates me and tries to control me as he just sent me an e-mail in which he threathened me with trouble if I didn't comply with his demands about how to divide our mutual property.
I am astounded about his belief that he could still control me. He left me. He abandoned me, he started the divorce process, he moved away  - and still he thinks that he could influence me and control my actions by making threats about trouble and about loosing his goodwill.  He must think that I'd still be dependent on him and would desperately want his company. Well, his in to a surprise. He thinking that he could control me, still, almost makes me laugh.

I've had time to think thru our marriage and I am surprised of how blind I have been. He never committed to our marriage, he never was loyal to me. He didn't defend me when I needed it. He was too quick to threathen me to leave me, to take a divorce. He used that as a weapon. He noticed that I would do much to continue our marriage, that I cared more than he did. 

He has been behaving like a narcissistic person would. He is a narcist. Many of the traits of those people match with what he is and how he behaves. He doesn't tolerate different opinions, nor any criticism about himself, he demands worship, obedience and being in the center of the attention. It always has to be about him. He was charming in the beginning, thinking about me but I could resist him, I was tough, strong, and didn't need him. But when I weakend and needed support and help and, when I couldn't defend myself anymore, he started his cruel game.

He withdrew his attention and company and of course sex. He hurt me, degrading my self worth, value and appreciation. He called me names, like stupid bitch or greedy selfish bitch. When 'helping me' he was very rough and hurt me on purpose. Couple of times he grabbed me, the second time tearing my arm muscle, tendons and ligaments so that even to this day my arms have not healed completely and they never will because the tissue has been torn and not growing back. It was my mistake that I didn't take the matter to the police.
Now thinking back, I don't miss his games and torture.  I consider myself lucky to have escaped from him. I think it's marvelous that he left me.  This was now his second divorce.

My ex-husband kept me in fear, in confusion and very weak both mentally and physically. That way he controlled me with his threats and I never had the time nor the strength to think straight. That way I wasn't aware of the situation.  Every time when I started to become better, to gain strength, he attacked me with furious rage and depleted me from any grain of energy I had till I was exhausted, puzzled and not knowing what I should do or think.

Now when I think of what have happened, how he treated me, I only can say that he is very cruel, selfish, self centered, narcissistic and sadistic person. And I am lucky and happy that I no longer am within his grip.

Olen ollut pari viime päivää aika allapäin. Kipuja on ollut enemmän ja se monesti tuo pelon, etten paranekaan. Taistelen tuota pelkoa vastaan vain kieltäytymällä antamasta sille valtaa ja valan itseeni uskoa parantumisesta.

Avioero on kova paikka. Silloin tällöin tulee hetkiä, jolloin tuntuu tosi pahalta. Olen myös miettinyt suhdetta läpi ja pahalta tuntuu myös se, että annoin kohdella itseäni huonosti. En uskaltanut pitää puoliani.
Toisaalta tuota pahaa oloa liventää se, että ex-mieheni yrittää edelleenkin uhkailla minua, kiristää ja pakottaa. Omaisuutta ei ole vielä jaettu lukuunottamatta osaa tavaroista. On käynyt hyvin selväksi, ettei hän ole halukas toimimaan kuten pitäisi, vaan hän edelleen uhkailee minua ja vaatii toimimaan ikään kuin meillä olisi avioehto, vaikkei mitään sellaista olekaan. Olen jotenkin äimistynyt siitä, miten hän edelleen luulee, että olisin hänen peloteltavissaan, kun hän on jo muuttanut pois, ottanut eron ja kohdellut minua huonosti.
Nyt todella ihmettelen, mitä hänessä oikein näin, sillä hän toimi kuin narsisti, joka pahoinpitelee puolisoaan. Olen muistellut millaista se oli ja välillä minua hävettää se, että en pitänyt puoliani. Toisaalta olen armelias itselleni. Olin vuodepotilaana, karmeissa fyysisissä tuskissa ja riippuvainen täysin muiden avusta ja etenkin tuon ex-mieheni avusta. Olin hyvin haavoittuvainen ja jo lähtökohdiltaan alistetussa asemassa. En siis syytä itseäni. Lisäksi sain juristeilta sellaisen neuvon, että minun on odotettava kunnes mieheni ottaisi eron ja yritettävä pitkittää avioliittoa. Välillä olin aivan täysin kypsä ja halusin ottaa eron, mutta juristi neuvoi katsomaan asian loppuun asti. Tuon huomioon ottaen en pidä itseäni luuserina, kun odotin, että minut jätetään, enkä jättänyt itse toista.
Minä ainakin voin hyvillä mielin sanoa, että minä yritin kaikkeni, jotta avioliitto saataisiin pelastettua. Se, mitä en suostunut tekemään oli, etten luopunut oikeuksistani yhteiseen omaisuuteen toisen painostuksen alla. Kuten jo tuolloin sanoin, en olisi kyennyt enää katsomaan peiliin, olisin menettänyt itsekunnioitukseni, mikäli olisin ex-mieheni painostuksesta suostunut luopumaan yhteisestä omaisuudesta muutaman avioliittovuoden jälkeen.
Eipä paljon tarvitse miettiä toisen vaikuttimia, kun toinen alkaa uhkailla ja vaatii avioehtoa tehtäväksi muutaman vuoden avioliiton jälkeen ja juuri silloin, kun on mennyt jo jonkin aikaa huonosti ja liiton jatkuminen on muutenkin kyseenalaista. Tottakai tuo oli vain helppoa eroa varten tuo avioehdon vaatiminen. Se, että hän välillä lupaili, että hän tosissaan yrittäisi jatkaa suhdetta oli todella alentuvaa kohtelua. Aivan kuin henkeni olisi jotenkin riippuvainen hänen läsnäolostaan.

Olen hämmästynyt sitä, kuinka reilun parin kuukauden erillään asumisen jälkeen minusta on alkanut tuntua kuin en koskaan olisi hänen kanssaan ollutkaan.  Muutama päivä sitten näin häntä, enkä tuntenut yhtään mitään. En tuntenut yhtään sen enempää kuin muitakaan tuttuja kohtaan. En tuntenut rakkautta, en vihaa, en halua. Ehkä jokin häivähdys inhoa ja kiukkua, kun hän ilkeili heti saavuttuaan. Kukaan peliporukastamme ei osannut tehdä pop cornia ja kun ex-mieheni tuli, pyysin, josko hän olisi voinut auttaa tekemällä pop cornia. Ex-mieheni sanoi hieman pilkallisesti, että hän on ollut minuutin talossa ja joutui jo keittiövuoroon. Lisäksi hän ei mitenkään tervehtinyt minua, ei puhunut minulle koko pelin aikana, ei katsonut minua. Eli hän teki hyvin selväksi, että minä olen täysin ykskaikkinen hänelle, eikä hän halua olla minun kanssani missään tekemisissä. Ihmettelin, että kylläpä hän kohtelee huonosti ja ajattelin, että eikö hän tosiaankaan huomaa, miten muut reagoivat hänen käytökseensä, ettei kukaan nauranut hänen keittiövuoro-lausahdukselleen.
Ex-mieheni vaikutti ylimieliseltä, itsekeskeiseltä, ylipainoiselta ja keski-ikäiseltä elämään eksyneeltä mieheltä.  Ajattelin, miltä tuntuisi, jos hän tulisi takaisin, ja mietin, etten todellakaan haluaisi paluuta menneisyyteen.

Ihmettelin tuota, etten tuntenut mitään erityistä häntä kohtaan. No, sen parempi. Ainakaan ei ollut ikävä häntä. Jos hän olisi käyttäytynyt hyvin minua kohtaan,  niin sitten ehkä olisi ollut toisin.
Minusta tuntuu, että energiahoitajani kommentti, että minä menen eteenpäin, mutta ex-mieheni polkee paikoillaan ja kärsii, kunnes jonain päivänä hän joutuu katsomaan totuutta silmiin ja ymmärtää kaiken, mitä on tehnyt.