I have been feeling sad for couple of days. I've been in pain, physical pain I mean. Almost every time when the pain is worse I have a fear that I won't be healthy again. But I convince myself that even though there are some steps back I still go forward. I cannot expect the healing to be linear. I look at everything I have made true, how I have come better and then my faith returns. I need that faith in order to heal. I never loose my faith totally. I still believe that some day I will be a healthy person living an active life and fullfilling my dreams.

My divorce hurts every now and then. There are days when I feel sad and abandoned but mostly I have accustomed to being alone.
A few days ago I met my ex-husband and I was surprised that I didn't feel almost anything towards him. I didn't feel attracted to him, I didn't feel lust, I didn't feel anger, I didn't feel sadness. I was surprised that I only reacted when he hurt me with his behavior of accusing me and making nasty joke.  I asked his help in preparing some foodstuff, a thing in which the other persons present couldn't help me and he did help but commented that he'd been a minute in the house and already he was forced to work at kitchen.  None of my friends would have said that. None laughed, none commented. He was mean.
I was surprised that my ex doesn't notice how badly he treats me and how bad things he says and what he does to me.

Mostly I was surprised that I didn't feel any love anymore.  I cannot even be sure if I loved him in any way during these last two years when he treated me disgustingly bad.  The love has definitely died because I don't feel anything positive when thinking about him. I think it had died a long ago but that I tried to convince me about it's existence when trying to do my best about saving my marriage. I felt that I had to try my best to save the marriage and if I had admitted that I no longer loved him, that would have been a reason to leave and thence my fault. I guess I lied to him when trying to sort things out. If I had said that I didn't love him anymore that would have made me guilty and there wouldn't have been any chance of sorting things out.  But like I said to him that he had done so much bad and hurtful things to me that I didn't know if I could forgive him and continue even if he had wanted to. I knew that if he had changed and repented his deeds I could have rekindled the love towards him. I hid the loss of love  because I thought there would still be hope about him changing.

During these two months that we have been living separately I already almost feel as if I never was married to him. The memories are fading. The good memories are from so long ago that I barely can remember how I felt then when everything was ok.  The last three years have been a struggle, my ex degrading my self worth, threathening me with various things and deeds, accusing me of almost everything, violating my boundaries, abusing me mentally and physically. Suppressing me under his will and making me do what he wanted.  The more I look back to that the easier it is to let go. 

Anyway, I was more attracted to the idea of what could be, than what actually was.  I always hoped that he would wake up and see how badly he treated me and that he would be sorry and would change his demeanor and treat me better.  But of course that never happened. Even today he obviously still hates me and tries to control me as he just sent me an e-mail in which he threathened me with trouble if I didn't comply with his demands about how to divide our mutual property.
I am astounded about his belief that he could still control me. He left me. He abandoned me, he started the divorce process, he moved away  - and still he thinks that he could influence me and control my actions by making threats about trouble and about loosing his goodwill.  He must think that I'd still be dependent on him and would desperately want his company. Well, his in to a surprise. He thinking that he could control me, still, almost makes me laugh.

I've had time to think thru our marriage and I am surprised of how blind I have been. He never committed to our marriage, he never was loyal to me. He didn't defend me when I needed it. He was too quick to threathen me to leave me, to take a divorce. He used that as a weapon. He noticed that I would do much to continue our marriage, that I cared more than he did. 

He has been behaving like a narcissistic person would. He is a narcist. Many of the traits of those people match with what he is and how he behaves. He doesn't tolerate different opinions, nor any criticism about himself, he demands worship, obedience and being in the center of the attention. It always has to be about him. He was charming in the beginning, thinking about me but I could resist him, I was tough, strong, and didn't need him. But when I weakend and needed support and help and, when I couldn't defend myself anymore, he started his cruel game.

He withdrew his attention and company and of course sex. He hurt me, degrading my self worth, value and appreciation. He called me names, like stupid bitch or greedy selfish bitch. When 'helping me' he was very rough and hurt me on purpose. Couple of times he grabbed me, the second time tearing my arm muscle, tendons and ligaments so that even to this day my arms have not healed completely and they never will because the tissue has been torn and not growing back. It was my mistake that I didn't take the matter to the police.
Now thinking back, I don't miss his games and torture.  I consider myself lucky to have escaped from him. I think it's marvelous that he left me.  This was now his second divorce.

My ex-husband kept me in fear, in confusion and very weak both mentally and physically. That way he controlled me with his threats and I never had the time nor the strength to think straight. That way I wasn't aware of the situation.  Every time when I started to become better, to gain strength, he attacked me with furious rage and depleted me from any grain of energy I had till I was exhausted, puzzled and not knowing what I should do or think.

Now when I think of what have happened, how he treated me, I only can say that he is very cruel, selfish, self centered, narcissistic and sadistic person. And I am lucky and happy that I no longer am within his grip.